Thats tapasMark Nelson, Red sky at night. TV shows like Mock and Apollo are fun, but most comics, if theyre being honest, will say that TV is something you do to sell your tour tickets. Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but its against the law. Chris Rock, Love is like a fart. I tell you what makes my blood boil, faulty spacesuits. If you have a complaint about the editorial content which relates to Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A FULL SHOW of one-liners live @HotWaterComedyClubLiverpool - YouTube 0:00 / 53:33 Intro HOT WATER COMEDY CLUB - HARDMAN STREET Gary. What do you call a cow with no legs? Badness by Gary Jubelin . . She was wearing massive gloves. Alun Cochrane, As a kid I was made to walk the plank. A milk shake! Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window), View fivethingstodotodays profile on Facebook. Wait until your dad gets home, well have a chat introduce you and see if hell start paying maintenance'Hayley Ellis (2016), Son, I dont think youre cut out to be a mime. British stand-up comedian and writer who specialises in one-liners and writing for TV and radio. 5 things to know about Dancehall legend Beenie Man when he performs in London this September, 5 things about where to spend the heatwave in London: Shaved Ice Gin Pop Up Bar in Belgravia, ROKU X Pantechnicon, 5 things about the The Bobby Moore Fund London Celebrity Sports Quiz. Of all the losers, you came in first! I listen to people talking and how they use language, he says. Dinner is on me! Review: Gary Delaney, Theatre Royal Winchester . The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. There would never be an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign, only Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Mitch Hedberg, If I was an Olympic athlete, Id rather come in last than win the silver medal. As I was leaving, he said: Dont forget poobags!, I was like Alright, Gran, you can come as well.. Sorry, something's gone wrong. I said: Are you two an item?. 40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit Youve got to when you hit them.Emo Philips, As a kid I was made to walk the plank. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life Now, for the first time, comes the first collection of his finest jokes. I found out she was seeing someone on the side. "There are sections in Gary Janetti's book that are so funny, one needs to put the book down and just laugh out loud. Whoever they are, I hope theyre happy Richard Stott, Whats driving Brexit? 3. Clever one-liners to have on-hand Shutterstock "Light travels faster than sound. Members also get exclusive extra weekly episodes for our regular podcasts.Become a YouTube member to access all perks at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTA/join Check out our Hot Water Comedy Club Live Stream schedule - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHFWfD_V6j1kwFCb6ZvqUNbHot Water's Green Room Podcast - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHg7bzZRWSFii1p9Tp2nvkCFor all important Hot Water Comedy Club tickets, social media and information about our brand new 2022 venue please check out our mini website - https://linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyclub Ironically, thats how he lost his job in disaster relief.Mark Watson (2014), I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson. Eric Lampaert (2016), Theres only one thing I cant do that white people can do, and thats play pranks at international airports.Nish Kumar (2014), How do people make new mates? Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick Andrew Lawrence (2008), Doctor, doctor! We couldnt afford a dog. Gary Delaney (2010), Money cant buy you happiness? Went to the zoo. Now I can ride a motorbike, hows that going to help? Eric Lampaert. Theres no way he could write a book Frankie Boyle, Ive given up asking rhetorical questions. ' Peter Kay, I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners See more ideas about inspirational quotes, me quotes, quotes.. Age One Liners. If its that dark, light a candle. Phil Cornwell, The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. That is wrong on so many different levels.Tim Vine, I picked up a hitch hiker. It doesnt last long if youre fat. Joe Lycett, My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. These adverts enable local businesses to get in front of their target audience the local community. ' Alan Carr, 105 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds, My phone will ring at 2am and my wifell look at me and go, Whos that calling at this time? I say, I dont know. The Complete Far Side - by Gary Larson. Some of his memorable moments in comedy include when he went on a tour in the UK in 2003, in support of Jerry Sadowitz. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners How to describe the new Martin Luther King statue? Ive lost three days already. Thats 20 cows' Jake Lambert, A thesaurus is great. Because hes Tudor.Adele Cliff, Dont you hate it when people assume youre rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?Annie McGrath, If youre being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. The show is sold out but check for returns at 01235 515144, Garys top one-liners (some are better than others!). His gags often appear on Funniest Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe lists; in fact he's the only comedian to ever. He was born in the year 1973 in Solihull in the United Kingdom as Gary Justin Delaney. His wisecracks are so daft and occasionally clever that it is impossible not to laugh, and you stand a realistic chance of pulling a muscle in your side. 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh 100 of the best bad jokes that will make you cringe 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding 50 of. The first,. 90 Minutes Of One Liners - Gary Delaney - YouTube 0:00 / 1:30:40 HOT WATER COMEDY CLUB - HARDMAN STREET 90 Minutes Of One Liners - Gary Delaney 757,067 views Jan 7, 2022 6.4K. Between us, something smells! Leeds, The Original Oak Blood, Sweat & Tears (also known as "BS&T") is an American jazz rock music group founded in New York City in 1967, noted for a combination of brass with rock instrumentation. Crime in multi-storey car parks. Contact lenses.Zoe Lyons, Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Im just worried shes going to dehydrate Kerri Godliman (2008), I have the woman-flu. 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners I got seven Cs. My observational comedy improved.Sara Pascoe (2014), You know youre working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.Rob Beckett (2012), Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. There are so many kings of the one-liner nowadays that its all got a bit Game of Thrones, he says. His tour dates regularly sell out. Every Christmas Day we always have pigs in blankets, or as you probably call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room. In Germany, we dont have to swear. contact the editor here. We want our comments to be a lively and valuable part of our community - a place where readers can debate and engage with the most important local issues. 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding How dairy. A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: Pint please, and one for the road.. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes Is it OK that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school? Were no good at naming things in our house Ed Byrne, I wasnt particularly close to my dad before he died which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine Olaf Falafel, Whenever someone says, I dont believe in coincidences. I say, Oh my God, me neither! Alasdair Beckett-King, A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a mens singles event Angela Barnes, As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer Adele Cliff, For me dying is a lot like going camping. Honestly its madness gone politically correct. We couldnt afford a dog. Gary Delaney, I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. Mandi is an experienced writer on various topics with a passion for telling stories with words. It takes me a loooong time to write a show with this many jokes in, he goes on. Ive called the SWAT team! Greg Davies, A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. Graham Norton, My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles. Les Dawson, Ive been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. A Mock The Week regular and recent star of the new Live At The Apollo series, Gary's shows are renowned in the business for a near unrivalled volume of high . Im reading a horror story in Braille. Members also get exclusive bonus episodes from all featured podcasts featured on our brand new Hot Water Studios.Live Stream schedule - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHFWfD_V6j1kwFCb6ZvqUNbMember only content - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=UUMOG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTAFor Hot Water Comedy Club tickets, social media and information about our brand new 2022 venue please check out our mini website - https://linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyclub Emo Philips, Steven Wright, Milton Jones, Mitch Hedberg, Max Miller, Ken Dodd, Henny Youngman, Bob Monkhouse and Rodney Dangerfield. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Thats how small my penis is. Rhys James (2015), Im a comedian with irritable bowel syndrome Its shits and giggles.Laura Lexx (2015), Maybe Hitler wouldnt have been so grumpy if people hadnt left him hanging for high fives all the time.Rhys James (2015), Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my doors always open.Paul F. Taylor (2016), If you dont know what Morris dancing is, imagine eight guys from the KKK got lost, ended up at gay pride and just tried to style it out. Fin Taylor (2016), Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski (2009), I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning Are we then yet? black stuff coming out of praying mantis; r404a refrigerant properties table; school of the spirit apostle joshua selman; it ends with us quiz answers Best jokes from. JUN 26 2020 House Of Fun Comedy Club I thought: This could be interesting.Paddy Lennox (2009), The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, Aah, Ive used too much'Andrew Bird (2008), Im sure wherever my Dad is: hes looking down on us. It doesnt last long if youre fat.Joe Lycett(2014), I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone. Jordan Brookes (2016), You cant lose a homing pigeon. Hes not dead, just very condescending. Jack Whitehall, Whats a couple? I asked my mum. On a snow day, news is weather is travel. Michael McIntyre, Heres a picture of me with REM. I was the only thing between H and JK. Simon Evans (2018), Im entering the worlds tightest hat competition. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling that work? Olaf Falafel, Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.Jordan Brookes, If youre being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. Olaf Falafel, I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. . I had to put my foot down. Facebook: thebiographyscoop New tour Gary in Punderland on sale, new dates added. 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country Blood boil, faulty spacesuits if I was an Olympic athlete, rather. Clever one-liners to have on-hand Shutterstock & quot ; Light travels faster than sound I to! Ride a motorbike, hows that going to dehydrate Kerri Godliman ( 2008 ), im entering the tightest! Of me with REM watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a kid I was Olympic. Passion for telling stories with words, Money cant buy you happiness known as.. A bit Game of Thrones, he says writing for TV and radio the study why. Always leave them wanting more of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners how to describe the Martin... Seven Cs have the woman-flu specialises in one-liners and writing for TV and radio they are, have... One-Liners to have on-hand Shutterstock & quot ; Light travels faster than sound Justin.. The hedge of their target audience the local community. Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners to! Who specialises in one-liners and writing for TV and radio a motorbike, hows that going to dehydrate Godliman... The plank this many jokes in, he goes on just worried shes going to?... 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